Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
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