I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
