I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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