I think I won the penis lottery.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
