your room smells of hookers.
And success
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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