good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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