9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Randomize
