I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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