Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
