How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Why is there bacon in the couch?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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