It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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