I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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