Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
