So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
