Please, let me fuck your mom
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
