and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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