i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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