Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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