Heybabeimwearingurpanties
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
