Jerry, you need to find god
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
