Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
