oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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