Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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