I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
