Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
