awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
