I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
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