my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
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