I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
All the doctor said was why
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
