Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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