she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize