I could make wine with my vomit
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Randomize
