My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I just want to make out with him forever
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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