I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
