I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Watching her eat just hurts me
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
