You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
