Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Who wears a wallet chain?!
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize