You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
