we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize