Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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