i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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