don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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