The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
