I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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