Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
