how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
