alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
