I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
