you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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