if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
