my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
