There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
