woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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