I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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